There are a lot of people that will tell you what you need to do to deal with your anger. There are books about dealing with it, therapists talk about it, religious leaders tell you what to do with it and even our parents tell us how to deal with it. But the truth of the matter is that we each need to find a way to deal with our anger for ourselves.
We feel angry for many reasons... when someone disappoints us or lies to us, when situations don't go the way we had hoped. When we fail at something that we wanted to achieve, when life isn't fair. But the truth of the mater is that anger is an emotion... though it can feel absolutely horrid... it will not kill us. However the effects of not dealing with our anger can cause a whole host of emotional, spiritual and health problems.
I discovered over the last two years that I actually am a pretty angry person. Possibly the fact that since the first time my parents said "don't cry or I will give you something to cry about" that I bottled up every feeling of anger I ever had. Actually every feeling I had to be honest. So that has meant years and years of bottled anger. That anger was not all silly petty things either. There are many many moments of legitimate anger and even rage in our life times... especially if you have ever encountered any unpleasant circumstances in your life. So back to my point - I'm angry.
I never used to speak about it... I would simply eat. SURPRISE!
Lol you probably weren't surprised. Food because the very best way I could find to soothe the terrible angry beast. But at the same time the shame of doing that just increase my anger at myself. So I found myself in a catch 22 where what I was doing to soothe my anger was just feeding my anger. Yikes! What to do?
Over the last 3 and a bit years I lived with an angry man and literally the shit hit the fan. But the good thing of it was that at the end of it all I learned to speak. During the course of the relationship I didn't handle my anger very well. I was voicing it but of course at times it was at the top of my lungs which is not a good thing. And then I would feel the shame of yelling and I would eat. So I learned that yelling and screaming and throwing the occasional phone or candle holder was not helping either.
Then I ended the relationship and met a man who has become a very dear friend. He is probably going to shoot me for mentioning him in my blog but he has a very calm, serene way about him. I have seen him in situations where I wouldn't have blamed him if he made snarky comments or was just plain rude... but he is not like that. I am not saying he doesn't get angry. I know that he does but I also have seen him take a step back from the situation, work through it and deal with it appropriately or just simply let it go. Sometimes it seems he has a very serious Zen thing going on because situations that have me about ready to take off someones head he can often laugh at it. But I am learning that too... laughter heals and how can you feel bad when you are laughing really?
One of the biggest anger triggers for me is at the place where I used to work. I have a big issue with guys that came in and because it is a "technical/computer" industry thought that I couldn't do it because I am a woman. When I have guys looking around me while I am sitting at the desk and talking to the "men" who aren't working and asking for their help it makes me mad. It frustrates my friend too because he has taught me a great deal about what I know about computers. So this is something that makes me feel insignificant, disrespected, and angry. He always points out to the guys that I am the one working and that I can help them just as well as he can. Now that might not be entirely true about somethings but if I can't do it... I sure as hell will find out how to or get some help myself. So when I get rip roaring mad at the disrespect and the "stereotyping" he does a funny thing - he talks to me. Let me say what I needed to say. To speak my truth no matter how retarded it sounded. In the face of his calm and logic (usually - he is man after all!) He reminds me that I know who and what I am and what I can do and that though I shouldn't have to prove myself that is just the way the world is.
My friend has said to me on many occasions that "sometimes people and situations in life are just not worth the effort. So it is always better to see them for what they are and just let it go." So ultimately I needed to learn that in the long run most of the things that make me angry only truly affect me for a few moments and then they are gone. So why get all worked up about them and ruin your day. Now that isn't to say that there aren't times when anger is a helpful emotion that helps us to be aware of and deal with difficult situations. If I hadn't heeded my anger in regards to my ex and used that anger to realize just how damaging the relationship was - I would still be in that relationship and most likely a ranting and raving, crazy woman who was growing larger by the day.
So I have finally learned to slow down some and not react as quickly, or as ferociously as I did when I first left my ex and when I first started that job. The amazing thing about being able to talk about it and to be heard was that the desire to eat away the anger seems to have slipped off into the darkness for the most part. I can't say that starting to deal with my anger has caused any weight loss because the truth of the mater is that I still need to master the depression and stress eating and get off my ass and work it out. But the fact is I know that I am no longer gaining because my rage is overwhelming me.
The very act of speaking my words cut down on the number of "anger calories" that went into my mouth and onto my hips but we don't always have the opportunity or a friend who is there for us to speak our truth to. So other options that I have started to utilize again are my journalling... that is simply another way of putting a voice to your thoughts feelings and anger. As well it is a great place to problem solve. Writing it on paper gives the opportunity to put it down and put it away even if for a few hours - and then come back to it with a clearer and hopefully calmer perspective.
So that is just my two cents worth on anger today....
Raiwvynn
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